Shortly after graduation and turning 18 is when delusions and paranoia started. The changes were subtle and could easily be explained. She complained of men following her at work and home. She thought work was filming her work related duties. She thought her employer was going to promote her to management. All of these could very well be true. But it wasn’t. Then it grew to male workers were sexually harassing her and raped her. She would tell me when just walking in the mall how people are glaring at her and thinking horrible sexual thoughts about her. As a side note, she was sexually assaulted at 14 which I believe is a root cause to some of her delusions.

She comes home after work one night looking frazzled and confused. She looks at us and says, “I don’t know if I’m dreaming or awake. I mean, I was awake but I don’t know if I was working with a woman or if she was a ghost because she wasn’t supposed to be there and I saw her there. And I’m really confused”.

My heart pounded. I downplayed it, said it was stress related and said to mention to her therapist. I didn’t want to add to her stress and told her to just ask the woman if she was working, maybe she had an extra shift.

Mania surfaced. Surge of energy. She told us she was a famous singer on Instagram. She can play and read music. (She can sing and she has had piano lessons). She stayed up for three days rearranging her room. Then psychosis.

Intrusive thoughts and false memories. We were accused of sex trafficking her and her father raping her. She believed her life was at risk. She believed people on internet were trying to steal her energy. She covered her mirrors, tv and windows because of people spying on her. She believed a debt was implanted into her ear to allow us to hear her thoughts. She called police and we have had CPS interview us twice based off her accusations.

I would hear her talking to someone who wasn’t there. When questioned she would deny it. “I am not a crazy person mom, it’s just me thinking out loud”. She had all the answers. And she didn’t think she needed help because everything she was experiencing was just PTSD and “I’ve been told I am fine mom. My therapist says it’s just stress, PTSD from all of my childhood abuse”.

I reached out to therapist to express my concerns and to explain her at home behaviors. The response is “she reports everything is fine. She denies any bipolar symptoms”. I felt defeated. The thing is, all her accusations could very well be true! Right? There are horrible families out there. Yet, she was aware enough to hide all her other symptoms and completely deny.

Psychosis dove deeper. Her appearance disheveled. Heavy makeup, eyes painted black, red lipstick smeared over lips and onto cheeks, fingers painted black, fishnet stockings with red nail polish painted over her feet, “It’s art mom”
Bleached hair then shaved head.
Isolation in room afraid to come out.
No shower for three months.
Told her friends her dad shot her kneecaps off.
She was in a dog kennel and being force fed dog food.
She is shorter because her dad cut off her head and sewed it back on.

Then she begins digging into her legs and toes nails. Stabbing and scraping with a splinter remover. Bloody legs and mangled toes. She said little black pills were implanted and had to be removed , “I don’t know how they got there. I wish somebody would tell me what is happening .” She allows me to look. “Now mom. I will show you but I was not intentionally hurting myself. I had to do this. I am not crazy. I had to get the circulation back to my legs because they were blue and dead. And it worked because I can walk now. And I had black pills imbedded into my skin and I had to dig them out”.

She shows me her bloody mangled legs. I calmly do an assessment (I am a nurse). I get out the antiseptic and bandages. I suggest we go to the hospital to have a proper look. She agrees, and that visit got a trip to the psych hospital.

I reach out to the hospital. I ask for doctors to talk to me, a social worker too. I was denied because daughter has not agreed to it. I report I feel uncomfortable and unsafe bringing her home. I want to tell my story of what has been going on.
DENIED
But in order to give good care the family should be involved.
DENIED
She has a therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner who should be notified.
NO RESPONSE
Her family needs to part of her care team
DENIED
I feel unsafe
SHE IS NOT A THREAT
She isn’t stable. She is hallucinating and delusional.
SHE REPORTS NONE OF THOSE SYMPTOMS.

After two days she was released. I had zero clue that she was even being released. Just a phone call, “Mom I’m outside hospital come pick me up”.

I called the hospital to voice my concerns and complaints. Only to be told, “She is not a threat to herself or anyone else and she came here on her own accord. She can leave.”

I said, “It was not on her own accord. The emergency department sent her there. She is not well and was hurting herself. I was not given a chance to talk to anyone. I was ignored and pushed away.”

24 hours later from discharge she ran away from home. Took her car and drove it into a wall. She was found unconscious on a sidewalk soaked from the rain. I had no clue where she was I only found her by calling all the hospitals. She was on another psych hold.

I reached out to the Washington State Health Department and made a formal complaint against the hospital who discharged her. The lack of proper treatment, no continuity of care, lack of communication and disregard of family support. I want them to hold some accountability to the events that transpired.

I believe the car crash and second emergency room visit and psychiatric hospital stay could have been prevented if I was listed too, to be part of her care team. I was trying my best to advocate for her to only be ignored and denied.

It has been a long uphill battle. I have been fighting for her and will always be her biggest advocate.
She is diagnosed Schitzoeffective bipolar one disorder. She is currently stable with Abilify injections that I give her once a month. She is now completely self aware and believes her diagnosis and takes her medication. She has told me, “I don’t want to go through that again. It was like I was in a constant dream state. Not knowing if I was awake or dreaming. I lost so much. I don’t remember what happened. I remember some but not much”.

Her psychosis lasted over a year! There is definite cognitive impairment , but she is stable. That I am grateful for.