I’m still processing, & (I admit) hoping that this “illness”that has struck my boy, my delightful, joy-of-my-life (I actually had that engraved on an iPod for him years ago), beautiful gift of a little boy, will miraculously go away, back from where it came, & I’ll get my boy back.

After years now of research, I know that I’ll never get him back. I’ll never get my hopes & dreams for him…I don’t even want him to have kids now. How did this happen to him? Me? Us?? Sometimes I wonder if this severe mental illness hell I’m navigating with him now is the price I have to pay for his giving me such joy then.

Nobody thinks this is going to happen to them of their loved one. This thing blew up our lives.
I was a single mom of three, & sole bread-winner, but I became obsessed with figuring out what was wrong with Jay, to the point that as soon as I got to work I would ignore my responsibilities & just feverishly google his symptoms which led to studying schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, psychosis, severe mental illness, etc yadayadayada eventually I lost my job.

Jay is my youngest child & he will be 25 at the end of this month. I had to call the police on him last month bc he was physically violent with me. The police said there’s nothing they can do (despite my alerting them previously in a separate incident when Jay physically & verbally assaulted me, & threatened to kill his brother). I asked if they knew about what happened to Rob Reiner & his wife, they just nodded & said bc they didn’t see physical bruises (yet) that there was nothing they could do. Sooo I just wait & see?? I’m to the point that I don’t even care if he eventually ends up killing me. I know now that it is a very real possibility. This is my new reality.

I will be stuck in this cycle of hell with him for the rest of my life. Every night I have to give him his pill bc otherwise he won’t take it. (But I must say, I am beyond grateful that there is a pill! Omg I was never so happy when I could see that the pill was working! Talk about a miracle. Now if only I could get him to take it without me…)

I recently had to sell my home of 25 years & Jay & I had to move in with a friend of mine until I can find employment. He has bled me dry financially. The isolation, along with the depression from having my son taken from me, combined with financial ruin, has me out here hanging on by a thread, with nowhere to turn.

Jay has no insurance & is not able to hold a job. I applied for disability for him but he was denied. It’s funny, I used to be such a private protective momma bear & would be in tears over just the notion of my child having a severe mental illness, now I just want him to take his damn pill every day!

Almost all of my friends have moved on from my life. Even my other two adult kids distance themselves from me bc they don’t want to be around Jay.

I had ZERO knowledge about severe mental illness before it struck my family. Now my son & I are falling through the cracks of the system…& the odds are stacked against us.